Not Invited

May 15, 2017


I wasn’t going to write this. But I am. For all the parents that didn’t get a birthday party invite. For all those that wondered ‘why’ not their little one. For all those that were simply not invited.


Not invited



I’m not sure if it’s a generation thing, but I was always brought up to be inclusive, especially when it came to my birthday parties at school. It’s important to mention that back then classes weren’t huge. They were smallish. And this may also have played a part in this way of thinking. But in any case, back then it wasn’t acceptable to hold a birthday party and invite ‘some’ of the class. It was everyone or no one. Or more specifically, it was a whole class party or a small discreet lunch out with maybe 2 or 3 very close friends. Fact.


This has always stuck.


As I was growing up, there was never any reason to question this. I invited everyone to my birthday parties. They came. I was invited to everyone’s birthday parties. I went. Yes it was hectic, and some months there were parties back to back. But that’s how it was. Even through my teenage years, no one was ever left behind as they say.



But now it’s different. Or is it?

It’s not fair on anyone to be specific, but there have been a few times where my little one has been left out recently. Not by vague class mates, but by those she considers friends. Now, logically speaking, it’s just a children’s party. But tell that to a 4 year old who has to walk past all her friends celebrating (out in the open) across the road from our home. Where, inevitability she would of course see them. #Awkward.


She’s one of the kindest little people I know, who gets on with everyone, so I have been wondering is it me. It is my fault she was left out? Is it because I’m the #awkward one with no mum pack? I’ve even gone as far as wondering if it’s this blogs fault, because people tend to be extra cautious around writers and journalists.


It feels very raw at the moment, because somewhere along the line she has picked up my sense for being inclusive. I should say OUR inclusiveness, because it’s a whole family trait. She doesn’t understand why she would include someone left out of a game, or check on someone feeling a bit ‘meh’ and by themselves. Yet, not an eyelid would be battered for her to be left out of a class celebration.


It’s a tough one, and one I’m not all that comfortable with.


At this very moment, my little one is planning her (super) early birthday party before the end of Summer term. So, she can invite everyone in her current class to her party, before leaving for big school. All 20 something of them. She may not be the loudest of the bunch, but her heart is in the right place, and she wouldn’t want anyone to feel sad for not being invited to something, even if they couldn’t or didn’t want to come.


A couple of months ago we would have been happy to blow the budget to be able to be ‘inclusive’. We’re not so sure anymore, worried that we are making our little one vulnerable for having this personality trait and sending the wrong message to her. We’re in a bit of a pickle.


But right now ‘not invited’ isn’t in my little ones vocabulary, and I’m proud of her for this.




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99 responses to “Not Invited”

  1. RawMum says:

    Oh poor dear… that’s just not nice. I feel for her as that was me. I always invited people but never got invited back. Sadly I still carry this around with me. Perhaps a smaller select group might work better? #dreamteam

  2. Heather Keet says:

    I was raised the same way. When I told my mom who I didn’t want to come (usually someone I didn’t like) she said the only alternative was to have just one or two friends come for a sleepover. I’m so glad my mom and dad raised me this way, it really makes you consider how to treat other people. I’m happy to say I still invited the kids I didn’t necessarily like, and some of them ended up becoming best friends as we grew up together. #DreamTeam

  3. I couldn’t agree more honey! I remember being a child and all my class was invited to a girls party and I wasn’t – I was the only one! I was so upset and it’s stuck with me ever since. Please don’t dare think that it’s your fault. You’re doing everything right xxx #dreamteam

  4. Jane Taylor says:

    This is a tough one when there are such high expectations for parties and class sizes are 30. I agree, when they are little, one shouldn’t leave anyone out but it has been expensive holding to my strong feeling it should be so…Leisure centre parties, swim parties, cinema parties. The kids having an October birthday means the weather can’t be relied on for a cheaper outdoor arrangement. That’s why I wrote a post wishing for the return of 1970s parties with jelly and icecream and sleeping elephants. Even now, with youngest in class 5, if we just go for a girls party…There are 20 girls in the class! Instead, we’ve gone for the ‘ask 2 or 3 friends, taking the lead from others in the class.

    Its a minefield! #DREAMTEAM

    • I totally agree that it’s a minefield in terms of knowing what to do. I completely understand with organised parties in places like leisure centres, soft play or even halls that there are high cost implications, but not when it’s in a public outdoor space. Thanks for your comment Jane, I will have to remember the all-girls option. xx

  5. Jeannette says:

    A big dilemma! It would be wonderful to include everyone, but when the class size is over 25 and there are other cousins and friends around that also need / should be invited, it becomes difficult. Not only the budget, but finding a place that can accommodate the volume of people. We have been limiting it to the 10 closest friends only. #dreamteam

  6. @MumMalarkey says:

    Really feel for her, it’s awful and how can they understand something like that when they’re so young?? I hope she has a lovely party! #DreamTeam

  7. Mrs Lighty says:

    Aww Annette I so feel for Little Button. It’s a tough one. I don’t think we’re inviting everyone this year as its at home and last year’s rain soaked disaster left 85 people out in the open of our garden. Now I’m wondering if this is the right approach… Hope you and Little Button are ok xxx #DreamTeam

  8. Kerry Conway says:

    Aw this is so horrible, we haven’t experienced this yet. I’m dreading the day we do.. #DreamTeam

  9. Oh no. That is not nice at all. I am not at that stage yet but this has got me thinking what do we do? Invite everyone or not, what if either of mine doesn’t get invited how do I play it.
    Really great blog and glad ‘not invited’ is not in her vocab. 🙂 x


  10. Tubbs says:

    It’s so hard. We went down the invite a few friends for a meal route as our house and budget wouldn’t let us invite the whole class, but we also took stuff in for the class to share so everyone was part of the Tubblet’s birthday even if they couldn’t come to the party. I feel for her as no one wants to be the one that’s not invited. Hope the party is lovely

  11. Happens ALOT to kids with additional needs. It’s heart breaking because then you are pretty sure it’s because they are different. It feels like the start of a life long trend that they don’t yet understand. As a mum with ‘weird’ kids, I’m often out of the pack and it’s only really our young daughter that’s done the ‘party circuit’. I think it’s pretty common when the kids are young /preschool etc to have everyone invited though or just a few. Somewhere in between usually only happens at venues with limits and then it’s a bit awkward isn’t it. #dreamteam

  12. Well done for writing this, I’m with you it’s an all on nothing thing for me. #dreamteam

  13. Nige says:

    It’s awful thankfully my twins have not gone though this I dread the day they do or one gets an invite and the other doesn’t that would be a dilemma thanks for hosting #dreamteam

  14. Lisa says:

    Oh poor little one, it is tough when they are so tiny. Generally, we tried to invite everyone when they were little, but as they got older it was impossible to do. I hope she has a fantastic birthday and I love how very organised she is planning it now #DreamTeam x

  15. It’s so sad when little kids get left out – but I can understand not wanting to host a big party too. I guess I avoided it all when I was younger because I have a summer birthday, so I was able to have a small party with just a few close friends and no one got their feelings hurt. It’s a tough one. #DreamTeam

  16. I don’t know where I stand on this and I guess I won’t until Ellie starts school. The only thing I do know is if you are going to be picky then you need to select a very small few, maybe 6 out of 30 (that will be her class size) not 20/30. That seems deliberately exclusive. Also if you are not inviting someone perhaps it would be polite to find another place to hold the party rather than right outside their house? Again I know where a couple of my fellow future school mums live but not many of them. Perhaps I won’t actually know where their houses are? Perhaps it would be an honest mistake (I’m trying to be diplomatic here but it doesn’t come naturally :D) Either way. An upset child is no fun! I hope she has the party SHE wants x

    • Thanks for your comments Kirsty. We are not even at the school stage yet ekk! I guess it was more that it was her little friend, and all her other little friends were there apart from her! I couldn’t see how it could be an honest mistake, but that’s probably just me being a touch grrrrr. xx

  17. I haven’t had to deal with this myself as my daughter is still a bit too young, plus when I was little I always just had my close friends at my party as there was no way my mom could afford to invite my whole class. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it when my little girl starts school though #DreamTeam

  18. Gosh, that’s horrible. I was also brought up on the all or nothing, aside from seeing just 1 or 2 friends for tea or something. I hate the idea of kids feeling alienated and ignored. Are parties more elaborate now so it’s a cost thing? Back in my era it was just cake, pass the parcel and some cheapo party bags. But it does feel there is a more ‘exclusive’ nature to everything these days. It’s a tough decision to take about your daughter’s party but I love that she’s including everyone regardless of what people have done to her. #DreamTeam

  19. Lucy At Home says:

    Oh it’s not nice at all. I sometimes feel like I’m making things worse for my daughter by teaching her to go out of her way to include the child on their own. It’s something that is really important to me and I strive to do myself at our baby group, but it can be so hard when people don’t reciprocate the kindness or the friends you’re with get annoyed because they don’t want to accept someone else into the group. I want her to be a kind, friendly girl, but I don’t want her to be punished for it and left out for trying to be inclusive. It’s a really tough one #dreamteam

  20. It’s so hard isn’t it. I have had the exact same issue with my youngest. She has one boy friend in particular who I always thought she was very friendly with. They’ve been in the same class for over 2 years now. 2 years back I didn’t throw her a party because I was in hospital. Last year I saw he had a big party via facebook but she wasn’t invited. I tried not to think anything of it. Then I threw her a very small girly princess party with only 5 girl friends at our very small house. Then two weeks ago I saw he had his (4th) birthday party again and she is the ONLY one of their little gang who wasn’t invited. I was p*ssed off to say the least. The ONLY one, that means the other 2 girls in their gang were invited. It wasn’t a boys only party. Or a small exclusive 5 friends party.
    The only conclusions I have come to is that either my child is feral when I’m not around – not that the school have ever said anything, or they don’t want me there.
    Thank goodness she doesn’t know. But I do.
    The point is, the birthday party politics is a nightmare. When did it start? And why?

  21. I feel for both of you! I was also raised to invite everyone! If I couldn’t then I didn’t have the party!! You are teaching a valuable lesson! #dreamteam

  22. Noninvites and univites for a four-year old are hardcore. I know it’s hard to manage numbers but come on! One more kids isn’t going to cause any harm. Kids do notice FOMO now. I don’t want my kids growing up with that but it doesn’t help when parents help fuel it amongst the little ones. #dreamteam

  23. ugh! So hard on momma,


  24. Meg says:

    Your daughter sounds wonderful.

    It’s tricky isn’t it? You try to teach your child values but there’s a chance they will get hurt if other people don’t do the same in return. I can imagine how hurt you must feel.

    I agree with you – small group of people or whole class, no weird inbetween number. That’s the rule we’re hoping to stick to anyway. Otherwise it just gets complicated and messy #DreamTeam

  25. Mama Grace says:

    I guess you can’t make the rules for everyone and everyone’s different but if she has to walk past a party and it’s that close it’s bizarre and awkward. I’d say invite them all and lead by example. #DreamTeam

  26. msmamabean says:

    I wouldn’t know how I would react if this happens to my little one. I’m really dreading it and hope that he can be as forgiving as your girl. #DreamTeam

  27. Jaki says:

    Oh bless her. This actually gave me goosebumps at the end. It’s not fair, is it? I had a similar issue – some friends of ours didn’t invite Little Man to their daughter’s party. Thankfully he was unaware of it, so he is none the wiser, but I was rattled because he missed out on having a wonderful time – I can only assume that the beef they have is with me (or us). But is that a reason for him to miss out on time with his friends? I think not. You have a lovely little girl, you must be very proud. #DreamTeam

  28. Aleena says:

    I think it’s a wonderful that that your daughter feels this way, and a trait to be encouraged. I agree that inclusiveness is a trait that more of us should be instilling in our children, and it’s such a shame that any child should feel singled out or left out. Well said. #DreamTeam

  29. This has really been on my mind lately! I was the same growing up so see it as an all of nothing situation too. Yet our close friends celebrate with their mum pack of mixed age children and we are left out as we don’t know anyone apart from them. I really don’t know what to make of it but at least I now know I’m not alone!

  30. Liz Deacle says:

    I feel exactly the same. That hideous threat” if you’re not nice to me, you’re not coming to my party..”
    we had a next door neighbour with her daughter the same age as mine but because mine is homeschooled, wasn’t invited to the ‘cool kids’ party. She literally could hear them playing in the garden. It’s awful. I’m with you. All or nothing.

  31. Oh, I feel so bad for your daughter… And for the party to be in plain sight also! I grew up the same way, with everyone being invited to a party or you just had your closest friends and went for a day out – I think it’s great that you’ve passed this trait on to your daughter, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. I would be worried how to handle the upcoming party of your daughter, but to just continue as you are and not change yourself for others is the best route to go down. #DreamTeam

  32. It’s a lesson I’m afraid. As a Reception teacher though, I now refuse to give out invitations in school because it’s awful when there is a little one sitting there who has been excluded! At 4 or 5 they just don’t understand. My advice is to either invite the whole class in Reception -it’s a great way to meet other parents anyway -and then scale down in the later years when your child has made stronger friendships. Or, give out the invitation by email or discreetly so that the ones you haven’t invited don’t know. Remember, children are quite fickle at this age and they don’t really consider another feelings but as parents, we think more about it, if you see what I mean! Good luck. I’m sure your little one will have a super birthday…and that’s the fun of it…..we all get a birthday! #dreamteam

    • We have reception school coming up in September, and *whispers* have decided to not throw the early birthday party, and wait till her actual birthday instead. As you say, a great way to meet the other parents. x

  33. We’ve been in that situation where we had to walk past a birthday party knowing we hadn’t been included. Or I’ve seen photos on Facebook where the kids have had a party that mine haven’t been invited to. My children haven’t had a party, just family, they are always given the opportunity but choose to have more expensive presents or a day out instead #dreamteam

  34. Oh the birthday party politics… it’s a tough one. We are holding a party at ours (praying for good weather!) due to cost and all. And we just can’t fit everyone with my girl going to two nurseries and ballet. We’ve decided that we will hold a girls party, so at least we can somehow justify not inviting up to 60 kids to our three bed house… we will just invite 30 in the hopes that most won’t make it ha ha.

    I think it is sad though and it makes you wonder why your kid wasn’t invited – I’ve had it happen to us too and you just wonder that maybe you aren’t on the same level or don’t consider each other in the same way.

  35. This is such a tough situation to be in. I have to admit I think I was left out of parties when I was younger but I don’t really remember or even notice because I never had birthday parties (my parents had 6 kids, so it was too much for all of us to have a party every year with our school friends). It’s such a minefield when they get older as they become more aware of being excluded and it can be tough to know what to do. We are just having family and close friends for Alfie’s birthday this year, then a smaller separate party for his baby group friends, but we haven’t invited anyone from nursery, mainly because I don’t know them! I do worry when he goes to school that he might get missed out because I won’t be able to be part of a mum pack due to work. Hope Little Button has a great birthday anyway, and doesn’t notice too much about being left out #DreamTeam

    • Thank you! I’m so new to birthday party politics to be honest, it never occurred to me until now that this could be a thing. We had a little change of heart and little button is waiting till her actual birthday (when she starts school ekk!) to have her party. xx

  36. Oh no, this is a tough one. I totally agree with teaching inclusiveness. I always try to teach this to my daughter.However when it came to her birthday party she wanted a certain venue which was pretty costly per head! So we had to keep invites to 20 children which meant not the whole class. We also had friends to invite from another group so it ended up only about 10 from school. I did feel terrible and she too hasn’t been invited to all birthday parties. Some have been just the boys or just close friends etc. It’s really difficult x

    • Hi Helen, it really is so difficult. I completely agree that having a party in a specific venue can be costly and of course we can’t always afford to invite everyone, even if we want to. Another story when it’s in an open public space though x

  37. This breaks my heart and I have been there too. Our son has social communication difficulties and has trouble socialising with others in nursery. Mind you this is nursery we’re talking about, so I have tried to bury my feelings about it as we’re not talking about an older child with a completely different kind of awareness. For now this upsets me, not him, and that should give me some comfort but for some reason it doesn’t. Feeling like your child is being set aside never feels right no matter the age, I guess. So when a parent chased us down the hall and asked if we were Oliver’s parents, which we are not, because of the “Saturday party”, my heart broke a little. What Saturday party? My heart also broke when 12 people suddenly developed illnesses and cancelled on my son’s party hours before it took place. I have a feeling this is not gonna get easier but trying my best not to overdramatise and let it get the best of me. #dreamteam

  38. awww, this an awful situation and one I fear because you never want your child to feel excluded but there comes a point you can’t protect them 24/7 all the time, sad times! X #dreamteam

  39. This is horrible to read and I say to any parent to always consider how they would feel if it was their child. This exclusiveness starts young and sadly continues into the teen years too where social media makes the whole not being invited so much worse as you get to see your friends having fun at a party you were not invited to. One word – cruel. You were right to write this post x #DreamTeam

  40. Catherine says:

    Oh bless her!! Like you say when we were kids it was just everybody! Such a shame but I love the fact that your little girl wants to invite everybody! God love her!! She sounds like a gorgeous girl!! #dreamteam

  41. Your little girl sounds too sweet! Even as an adult is it hard when you see your friends having fun that you weren’t invited to. Feeling left out is never a nice feeling.
    All that you can do is use it as a teaching moment, which it sounds like you are trying to do!

  42. It’s so hard isn’t it? Like you when I was younger it was an all or nothing type attitude but much difference now . Small girl has a defined friendship group that seemed to form really early on in school life , which again wasn’t the case when I was younger I was ‘friends’ with everyone in my class!! I hope your daughter has a fab birthday whatever you decide to do #DreamTeam

  43. Lisa says:

    Hi, just popping back via #brillblogposts x

  44. Annette, this is a tough one and I have no answers. But I’d say just following your kind, generous hearts can’t help but serve you well in the end. Hugs!

  45. Oh dear! That is difficult, especially if the party is so out in the open and at this young age. Very awkward. I hope your little one will not be too upset. Having said that I am sorry to say despite my inclusive personality and desire to never offend anybody we have never actually invited the whole class as it is 35 children and we have often held the party in our house. It would be neither safe nor fun for anyone! But we usually only invite about half the class (and a few family members or friends from other activities), so it’s my hope that no one person would feel specifically singled out as not invited. It works both ways, as my children aren’t invited to everyone else’s parties either. It is a tough lesson to learn, but on the up side with 3 kids we would never have a free weekend to relax or go on trips if they were invited to 35 parties a year. And we wouldn’t have any money left after all the gift purchasing!! #dreamteam

  46. Raising little ones of our own brings back all of those horrible playground politics all over again doesn’t it? Only it hurts so much more when it’s our own that are being left out as we just want to protect them from anything so painful. I think you should be so proud of the way that you’re bringing Little Button up to be so inclusive. I love the idea of an early party for all of her class to enjoy before they break up. Both of ours are September babies too and so it will be hard to try and plan a party when they’ll only have been in their new class for a week or so before the big days? Love and hugs to you both x #DreamTeam

  47. Helena says:

    It’s a shame that exclusion exists. Whether it’s among peers at school or among parents! #DreamTeam

  48. David says:

    It is a difficult one. We went with inclusivity and invited all of Fidget’s class friends and close friends and cousins. We didn’t want to exclude by mistake and upset a child. But there have been parties Fidget has not been invited to. I just figure the parents wanted to keep it small or that her exclusion was an oversight.

  49. Oh that’s so mean – I think the other parents should take a little responsibility and be careful to make sure they are inclusive and/or tactful! I’d certainly make sure closer friends weren’t left out #dreamteam

  50. I can’t help but think selecting specific children has more to do with the parents than the kids. Parties can cost a lot depending on your chosen activity maybe it’s a case of money. I wouldn’t like to image why else an adult would exclude a small child #dreamteam

  51. I fought back (unsuccessfully I might add) tears reading this. I knew I’d find it quite a painful and relatable read. The bit about having her right in the right place. And yes I raise my kids to be inclusive and can’t understand why some parents actively don’t. But as I seem to be a blogger first and mum second these days (!) the ‘up yours Yoast SEO and headline analysers’ two word title and fantastic image totally had me! Those two words are so powerful aren’t they? Even in my 40’s, a phase of life where one is predominantly at peace with one’s demons because of maturity and a knowledge you can’t do anything to change a situation beyond your control but merely your reaction towards it, not being invited to something can sometimes hurt. And we feel it SO much more for our kids! My kids are just surrounded by kids who seem to spend the ENTIRE time at each others’ houses on playdates and sleepovers. I think I can count on one hand how many sleepovers each of my kids have had. Birthdays are a bit different in that it really does come down to budget now. Parties are simply not the 70’s style ones Jane refers to in her comment here (the kind I used to have in the 70’s, don’t laugh yes I’m that old) with pass the parcel, kids just dropped off to be picked up later, some sandwiches, orange squash and ice cream and boom you’re done. My eldest’s 13th is around the corner (believe me the being left out gets worse at that age), we’re at the International School with only 17 in a class yet she still hasn’t invited all the girls (wait til you’ve got preteen issues!) and it’s still costing us a fair bit. I don’t know what to suggest Annette. I think there are arguments for both sides but I totally get that at this age it’s best to just invite the whole class because it’s too hard for them to assimilate any other scenario. Poor little button. Hugs. #bloggerclubuk I think (can’t remember!)

  52. Like you, when I was a kid, the whole class came to parties. It was just the way it was then. I guess times change and with the costs involved, parents have to sometimes cut down the numbers. It’s horrible when it happens though, especially when it’s someone your child classes as a friend rather than just a class mate
    Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂

  53. yvonne says:

    I was always brought up this way as well, this makes me sad to read. My boys start school this year and I am sure we will have similar issues. Sounds like you are doing the right thing though and bringing your daughter up with great values, include everyone x #DreamTeam

  54. I was raised the same way but sadly it wasn’t always reciprocated. do what you feel is right xx

  55. we are having a birthday party in two weeks and everybody from her class is invited, even the ones that to be honest I wouldn’t mind if they skipped it. Shes turning six and I’m sure there will come a point where the list becomes more exclusive, but for now she pretty much likes everybody. I think even if you aren’t going to invite “everybody”, the person across the street deserves to make the cut. #brilliantblogposts

  56. It’s a tough one isn’t it? I completely understand that birthday parties these days aren’t what they used to be, when I was younger you had a party at home and the whole class was invited. Now they are at soft play or trampoline parks, or more expensive activities which means you can’t always invited everyone. Eva had her party at soft play this year and we couldn’t afford to ask all 40 children in her class, it would have been an obscene amount. Instead we compromised and she invited all of the girls in her class (she doesn’t like boys…yet!) and that worked out fine. But to leave one child out is just awful and I will never understand how another parent can do that to a child. Much love. #dreamteam

  57. I’m sure every one of the readers of your blog would love to come and enjoy Emma’s party with our little ones!!
    i agree with you that it was 1 or 2 friends on the quiet or the whole class and I had 30!!! How mean of the parents to select only half or so. #dreamteam

  58. Lucy At Home says:

    Just popping back again from #blogcrush There are over 30 children in my daughter’s class so it’s not really an option to invite them all, so we opt for a small event and let her invite 5 or 6 children. My niece, who is older, has had a lot of heartache about being left out of parties, which is just awful. It’s really not fair #blogcrush

  59. It’s so difficult, we’ve had the same with my oldest at school and it’s heartbreaking when they are left out #dreamteam

  60. OMG, this is so hard! I grew up with the same birthday party laws and it breaks my heart to hear your beautiful little has been excluded. I know from our perspective, we have been forced into having smallish parties due to current finances. It is so awful. But we do our best to make it special and try so hard to not hurt any feelings. Ugh is really my only answer — which doesn’t feel very helpful! #dreamteam <3 xoxo

  61. Lucy At Home says:

    Just popping back to this through #blogcrush (feel free to collect your “featured” badge if you’d like it). It really is such a horrible feeling to be left out or excluded from something. And it’s just as hard (if not, more so) to watch your kids be left out or excluded. #blogcrush

  62. Helen Gandy says:

    Oh no this is so sad, I jsut couldn’t do it we invited all the children in my sons class, I can’t bear the thought of anyone been excluded. Great post #BlogCrush

  63. Emma says:

    Oh no its so hard isnt it, especially if the girls are on tbr same street. we’re not there yet but I’d be crushed too if my daughter wasn’t invited somewhere. Your daughter sounds amazing though and I’m so glad she’s carrying on regardless. Hope she has lovely party xxx

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